Kevin Baldeosingh
In IQ tests, there is something called the general factor of intelligence, or “g”, which is not to be confused with the g-spot, especially during a job interview. However, it is not necessarily the case that having a g-spot means not having g, since, if the g-spot means that a woman loses her mind during sex, it suggests that she has a mind to lose. But further research is needed on this topic, if anyone wants to provide me with grant money, or just money to buy drinks.
Anyway, in intelligence testing, “g” means that people who score well in one aspect, like logic, will usually score well in other aspects, like making soup. It therefore follows that there is probably a general factor for stupidity as well, which would naturally be called “s”. A study published last year in the journal Judgement and Decision Making actually identified the signs of stupidity in individuals, such as admiration for Deepak Chopra, blaming America for ISIS, and ginkgo biloba. “Those who are particularly receptive to (bs),” the researchers found, “tend to show lower cognitive abilities (like verbal intelligence); are less reflective; more prone to conspiracy theories; more likely to subscribe to religion and belief in the paranormal; and more likely to be a fan of alternative medicine.”
So, for anyone who wants to identify morons, I have created this SQ (Stupidity Quotient) test which, if the test-taker finds offensive, gives you your answer.
1. What kind of tone should you fire someone for?
(a) sepia.
(b) burnt umber.
(c) B-flat.
(d) Drupatie.
2. What are the qualifications to be a State board chairman?
(a) New clothes.
(b) A comb or brush.
(c) Midnight texts.
(d) Breath mints.
3. When is it okay to kill an atheist?
(a) Third period.
(b) During your period.
(c) Between 12 noon and 12 noon.
(d) Before church, or after.
4. Homosexuality is wrong because:
(a) It is a wrong choice that no one should choose.
(b) No righteous person would choose to be gay.
(c) It is better to choose a woman, even a fat one.
(d) We should not choose the temptations Satan puts before us.
5. A man who criticises feminist theory:
(a) Hates women.
(b) Beats his wife.
(c) Has a small penis.
(d) All of the above.
6. Capitalism is evil because:
(a) An invisible hand always does mischief.
(b) Supply/Demand=Prostitution.
(c) Comparative advantage is advantage.
(d) It proves Marx is wrong, which is wrong.
7. Socialism is the best political and economic system because:
(a) Poor people get more company, not more companies.
(b) Journalists are responsible, or in jail.
(c) It helps you lose weight.
(d) Toilet paper is a capitalist plot.
8. Cancer is caused by:
(a) Genetically modified food.
(b) Money-hungry doctors.
(c) Big Pharma.
(d) Disobeying God.
9. What is the cure for cancer?
(a) Colon cleansing.
(b) Magnets.
(c) Prayer.
(d) Colon cleansing with magnets and prayers.
10. Earthquakes are caused by:
(a) Capitalists looking to profit from disaster.
(b) Arms manufacturers testing new weapons on non-white people.
(c) Psychic psychopaths.
(d) Aliens.
11. Brain damage from the Zika virus is caused by:
(a) Genetically modified UWI lecturers.
(b) Fornication.
(c) Negative thoughts while pregnant.
(d) Lack of prayer.
12. Organic food is healthy because:
(a) It says “organic” on the label.
(b) Organic crops need more pesticides than GM ones, but aren’t grown by capitalist farmers.
(c) Organic crops have less nutrients, hence activating your chakras to make you healthier.
(d) My great-grandfather lived to be 90, and only ate from his garden.
13. Vaccines are used to:
(a) Cause autism.
(b) Weaken babies’ natural immunity.
(c) Make billions for Big Pharma.
(d) Commit genocide on innocent viruses.
14. A dog is more precious than a baby because:
(a) There aren’t any vicious dogs, just vicious owners.
(b) Dogs can be trained to poop in the grass.
(c) Having children shows lack of consideration for women who can’t have any.
(d) Dogs will not disappoint you, especially if you don’t over-react when they kill babies.
15. It is okay for a politician to hire relatives if:
(a) They are from your party, not the other one.
(b) Nobody finds out.
(c) They have no qualifications except family.
(d) They are working hard or giving hard wuk.
16. You should vote PNM for:
(a) No corruption.
(b) More transparency.
(c) Less crime.
(d) Cheaper KFC.
17. You should vote UNC for:
(a) No corruption.
(b) More transparency.
(c) Less crime.
(d) Cheaper doubles.
Email: kevin.baldeosingh@zoho.com Kevin Baldeosingh is a professional writer, author of three novels, and co-author of a Caribbean history textbook.